After years of using alcohol to cope with childhood trauma and loss, Craig Wilson reached a point where he knew something had to change.
I am a very proud dad.
My son is 13 and lives in Christchurch. I didn't know about him for the first year of his life. Then one day, I got a phone call asking me to do a DNA test. I did it, and sure enough, he was my son.
Finding out I had a son changed everything.
At the time, I was struggling with alcohol. I'd been drinking heavily since I was about 21 and was using it to cope with a lot of pain from my childhood.
I grew up carrying a lot of anger. My parents separated when I was very young, and my relationship with my dad was difficult. When I was a baby, I was badly injured and CYFS became involved. My mum left my dad with me and my sister, and when I was seven, Dad remarried.
I felt rejected and unwanted.
As I got older, that hurt turned into anger. I was angry with my dad for not being there for me, and eventually I took a lot of that anger out on Mum. When I was 11, things got so bad that my older sister took me in for a while.
It was a difficult time, and I carried those feelings with me for years.
When I was 15, I told my family that my dad was dead to me.
A few years later, my sister told me he had cancer. My first reaction was, "So what?" I felt like he had never done anything for me, so why should I care?
But two days later, I went to see him. We only spent about half an hour together, but before I left, I told him I loved him. It was the first time I'd ever said those words to him.
A short time later, he died.
For years, I blamed myself. I thought somehow I'd caused it by finally telling him I loved him. What hurt the most was that I never heard him say it back. I was 31 years old and had never heard my dad tell me he loved me.
Not long after, Mum passed away too.
I carried that grief, hurt and anger with me for a long time, and alcohol became my way of dealing with it.
For about 15 years, drinking was a constant in my life.
Even after having a kidney removed when I was 23, I kept drinking. Looking back now, I'm lucky to still be here. I was drinking every day with only one kidney, but I couldn't seem to stop. Eventually, alcohol became my whole life.
I wasn't working. Most days I was drinking from morning until night. Rum was my drink of choice, but the truth is I didn't even enjoy it anymore. I hated it.
I also struggled with my mental health and tried to take my own life several times.
But then I found out I had a son.
For the first time in a long time, I had something bigger than myself to think about. My son needed his dad. That was the turning point.
I stopped drinking on my own, and it was incredibly hard. Friends would offer me a drink and I'd have to say no. There were times when I missed it. There were times when I wanted to give in.
I remember visiting my son in Christchurch. His foster dad invited me to go to the rugby and have a beer. For a moment, I thought, "Maybe I can just have one." But deep down, I knew I couldn't.
I knew that if I wanted the life I was working towards, I had to stop completely.
Around that time, I started studying through Kōkiri and began thinking seriously about what I wanted my future to look like.
I was living in a boarding house surrounded by drugs and alcohol, and I knew I needed to get out of that environment if I was going to stay on track.I had something to live for now. I had goals, and I had my son.
My doctor eventually referred me to Mahana, and that's when I started working with Richard.
I've been working with him for about a year and a half, and the support has been life-changing.
Richard has helped me understand things about myself that I'd never really looked at before. One of the biggest things has been learning to forgive myself.
For years, I carried a lot of shame about who I'd been and some of the choices I'd made. I hated a lot about myself. I'm still working through that, but I'm getting better at letting those things go.
Richard has also helped me realise that I can't keep putting everyone else before myself. If I don't look after my own wellbeing, I can't be there for the people I care about.
The person I was when I was drinking isn't the person I want to be anymore.
Back then, I was angry all the time. I'd actively look for fights. I wasn't someone people wanted to be around. Today, my focus is completely different. My son is my number one priority.
We have an amazing relationship. I see him every couple of months, or he comes down to visit me. At one point I tried to have him come and live with me, but he'd been with his foster family for a long time and it made sense for him to stay where he was settled and happy.
What matters is that we're close. Every time we talk on the phone, I tell him I love him. Every single time. I never want him to grow up wondering how I feel about him.
I've also been inspired by one of my brothers, who works at Moana House. He overcame his own serious addiction challenges and turned his life around. Seeing what he achieved made me realise that change was possible for me too. I thought, if he can do it, so can I.
Over the last few years, I've worked hard to build a better future.One of my goals was to complete my Level 3 Whānau Ora qualification through Kōkiri. This year, I achieved it.
I'm incredibly proud of that accomplishment, and now I have started Level 4 with the long-term goal of working in mental health.
I want to help people because I know what it's like to struggle.
I know what it's like to feel hopeless. I know what it's like to be heading down a path that leads nowhere good. And I know how hard it can be to ask for help.
The support I've received from Richard and Mahana has made a huge difference in my life.
It's helped me realise that recovery is possible and that people can change. I knew I needed to stop drinking and to work on my mental health. I knew I needed help. Asking for that help changed my life.
