I used to be hateful because I was hated, but now I love because I am loved
For the first few months of my life I was tortured at the hands of my own parents, which set my life on a path of complete destruction from which I couldn’t escape. To this day I still wear the scars on my face, have improperly healed broken bones and a deep-seated distrust of males.
I was just 18 months old when I was discovered by Social Welfare tied to my cot in a dirty nappy covered in scars and completely alone. Following this, I spent four months in hospital healing from multiple injuries.
I was soon placed into foster care and through until the age of 17 I was in and out of more than 59 foster homes. During some of that time I was physically, sexually and emotionally assaulted.
I started using solvents at a young age as a suppressant – a way to block out all of the emotion and trauma. I could close out the world and everyone would leave me alone. I continued this for the next 26 years.
At 16-years-old I ended up in a mental institution where I received shock therapy and was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Due to this I was deemed unemployable for the rest of my life.
This set my life up for complete failure. I spent the next 40-odd years living either on the streets, in a mental institution or in prison.
I’ve led a violent life but it has mainly been others being violent towards me. People always seem to read the cover with me but never take the time to sit down and talk to me. Instead they see my scars - my life tattoos I call them. What they don’t see is I am a kind person who attends church weekly and enjoys playing musical instruments and making people happy.
Three years ago I was re-diagnosed. Gone was the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia and in its place I was told I suffered from complex post traumatic disorder, ADHD and bipolar, which is now being managed. This makes much more sense to me.
Last year I transferred to the He Puna Waiora Wellness Centre to engage with a new doctor because I felt I wasn’t being heard by the one I was with. The doctor here was absolutely wonderful, and straight away I knew I had made the right choice. I finally felt as though I was being heard. The doctor is kind, caring and thorough.
When I was here, I decided to come upstairs to seek some support and I was referred to the Crisis Advocacy Service at Tūmanako Oranga Wellness Centre.
The staff here are amazing. I am absolutely absorbing everything they are giving me. Coming here has opened so any doors for me within myself.
The advocacy kaimahi supports me with appointments because I struggle to take everything in. She often picks me up to take me to the appointments and later helps me to understand everything that was said.
The staff here will sit down and listen to me. I feel like I’m really being heard and not judged for the first time in my life.
I am also seeing a counsellor here and she has supported me in trying to deal with all of my past trauma. Last weekend was one of the best I have had all year because on the Friday I sat down with the counsellor and she allowed me to upload, and offload.
She often sees things I don’t see and helps to put things into perspective. I feel comfortable to open up to her and seeing her has been healing for me. She is helping me to move forward and I feel like something has finally lifted.
Everyone here makes me feel comfortable - even the male staff which is huge for me. I know if I’m having a bad day I can call and talk. Through coming here, I am learning patience and self-control and how to live life rather than survive life.
I feel like, finally, there is a future for me now. I am stepping in the right direction and I have learnt that I am capable. I am now seeing life through my own eyes rather than someone elses.
